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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

'Manda's Musings 4-A new discovery... About my paranoia... and my abstinence.

Paranoia to me has always seemed like a silly concept. It is kind of an abstract thing to me... paranoia. Is it made up or is it real? Is it only drug or addiction induced?  I would have told you flat out I have NEVER been paranoid...

Until I got clean.

Now that I look back on my life I realize that my entire life was paranoia. I was afraid to tell the truth to anyone because I was afraid of what they would say... I was paranoid that they would not love me if they knew the truth.

If I knew you before I was... PFT probably 21 years of age.... If I knew you before I married and divorced John--I have lied to you. I am sorry for this of course... I didn't do it to hurt you. In fact I did it for the opposite reason I did it to preserve your happiness. I want more than anything for everyone around me to have happiness at all times. That is all I ever wanted when I was younger. In order to get that, however, I used my talent of stretching (or completely ignoring) the truth...

One that comes to mind was when I borrowed my cousin's razor. She is about 3 years older than me and was already shaving and I really really wanted to see what it was like. I was curious. So I used it and then cut myself. Anyone who has cut themselves shaving knows that it is a pretty distinctive type of cut. When I asked my sweet, kind, and understanding aunt for a band-aid she said "What happened sweetie?" I told her some horribly made up story probably that the razor fell on me or something I don't even remember... The important thing is that she knew. She noticed how worried I was about her getting upset with me and said "You borrowed your cousin's razor didn't you?" and I had to tell her she was right. The horrible thing is that I remember how terrified I was of the truth.

I think when a person is addicted there is an innate fear of disappointment, and honesty. There was for me, a perpetual fear for what people's reactions might be if I just was honest with them. I think worried constantly that someone might notice that I am different or that I do things differently or, worst of all, that I was less than the best. That I was less than what they wanted to have around. A lot of that is self-esteem stuff. I can't blame my parents or my brother, they have always accepted me for who I am. Really, I have always had some great people in my life to show me what I am worth and remind me to be who I am. With that, I have always been pretty secure in who I am and not been afraid to be me.

That is not to say I haven't been incredibly paranoid (Oh there she goes, finally bring it all back around). I was not only paranoid of what peoples reaction to the truth would be... I constantly, as an addict, have a sneaking suspicion that people are talking about me, or thinking rude things about me or, even worse,  that they find me annoying and intrusive.

To be honest part of the reason why I quit CrossFit and kept quitting was due to the fact that I had an unhealthy paranoia. I find papers from when I was in college and really in my disease at the worst place of it and they say things about how the people in the class must be talking about me and laughing when they were on the opposite end of the room. This happened with CrossFit as well. I was going and feeling good about myself, everything was going fine. Except I hadn't actually taken the time to work on my spiritual and emotional health, to focus on the addiction that played into my behaviors. I was eating healthier, most of the time, and I was working out at an amazing place. I was feeling great and strong and happy... but I was not healthy yet.

I started tumbling. I tripped into a binge, and then another one, and then another. I kept falling faster and faster until I was absolutely sick. I stopped going to CrossFit because I had an outbreak on my skin that hurt, had to get surgery, kept eating awful and then went back to CrossFit. The next time I went back I was back into the food all the way. I wasn't caring about anything else really, to be honest. I would go in to CrossFit and feel like people were staring at me, talking about me, criticizing me, and disappointed in me. I would come home completely upset and convinced the coaches thought I was a lazy pile etc.

Now the only thing that has changed is my abstinence. Which in turn has changed my mind frame. I am healthier in my mind and heart and I am able to be in a room with people without thinking that they are all hating me. I am able to go into Cross Fit and not only keep myself from crying because I think people hate me (Yeah that is how nuts I was) but I can be there without comparing myself to the others in there. I just appreciate them for where they are at and understand where I am at. Everyone has a beginning place.

So, all in all, paranoia isn't an untouchable concept. It is something I have been, something I have experienced. It is also something that might be a warning sign into my recovery. If I start to be paranoid about something or someone then it is probably a good sign that I am at a weak place in my recovery and need to be on guard.

Thank you for reading.

Peaceful week to you all.


Saturday, February 25, 2012

54/366 catching up... on things... and the challenge


I have been doing A LOT of wedding planning which has left a lot less time on this crap!!

I guess I should mention I am doing great on the challenge. I have gotten 7 points every day this week so far. I did my baseline and kicked its ass at 9:17. It was awesome.  I am grateful to be doing better.

So anyway... Here are some pictures of my recent adventures:

 A valentines day treat... I figured it was better than ice cream or chocolate eh?
 Wait, is that your bed on the floor of the entry way?... yeah... it is... We broke the bed... On accident one of the board just popped out and we had to readjust it the next day... don't be dirty!
 This was the most expensive meal we have ever made at home... and it was probably my least favorite. Crab cakes. YUCK! I tried them at least.
 Ben stirrin up the crab cakes...
 Crab cakes and asparagus all done!
It was pretty though!
 Angeled eggs... I am really REALLY good at making them...
 Our new favorite thing to eat is wraps at home... JJ Unwitch at a fraction of the cost with yummy home made mayo... this was the end of the lettuce so i made cups... cute huh!?
the acorn squash from the stew (We forgot to take before pics)
 with the stew meat and some fresh rosemary on top! YUM!
 add carrots and VIOLA!

  I am doing a new face treatment... This is the "Before" Pic... we'll talk more about it after a few weeks and you see an "after" Pic. :) (I was really tired it was an early morning) 

That is about all folks. Stay tuned for Manda's Musings! :) Take care

Have a beautiful weekend!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

'Manda's Musings 3-One Day at a Time

February has been quite a challenge for me.

I feel like it is kind of a double edged sword... like I know the truth to a healthy life but sometimes ignorance was bliss... it was so easy sometimes to live the life of a Conventional American...

I am not a CW American anymore though, which means now I must either USE the knowledge I have or CHOOSE not to... that's even worse isn't it? That is where I have been in February.

In January Ben and I did an excellent job of being awesome... we ate so clean and just kept on going and supporting each other and we were doing so well. Then 3 weekends in a row we had things going on and friends in town and it was Valentines day and etc etc etc and it turned into a bit of a free-for-all. We didn't go outside of the 80/20 parameters but we did kind of indulge and we kept indulging (odd huh, since we are OE's... hmm).

So lately I have really been struggling with everything. With feeling capable of doing this... I look at pictures on TEAM GORILLA and think to myself... there is no way. There is NO way I will be able to do that. When could I possibly look the way those women look? I am obese by medical and any other account... Heck according to my Wii I am MORBIDLY obese (yeah that's a really fun thing to think about)...

I know what I want. I know how to get it. So why is it I am so unwilling to make the changes in my life to get there? Here is the answers that have come to me in the last few days as I was reflecting on it:

1. I am scared--What I have now is easy.... it is easy to just be comfortable... It might not be as comfortable as it could be if I were in better shape... It might not be the best option health wise. I can tell you what it is. It is EASY. I am scared to have to do something that is hard... something that takes work and a LOT of dedication not to mention a LIFE TIME to keep up. That is outright scary.

2. I keep taking a look at the big picture and I get overwhelmed.--This is the opposite of the one day at a time philosophy. I am trying to see the end results before I get there mostly because the way I live my life is through visualization and manifestation. I think that with this the best bet is not to visualize the end result because I don't know what it will even look like and I am not sure when my body will be comfortable to stop.

3. I don't want to let go. - HELLO STEP 6 HOW ARE YOU TODAY? I don't want to let go of my addiction to the foods I am addicted to. I don't want to let go of the comfort blanket that is the foods I have been eating since I was a child. I don't want to say "I will never eat ____ again... woah!" that is really hard to do. But look at it-I haven't had ice cream in over 130 days... that is something I never thought would happen. How did it happen? A day at a time.

I want so badly for me to be at the point where it is all a habit. Where I am habitually working on my health and I don't have any cravings for crap anymore... where it takes slightly less willpower to walk past something that seems appetizing. Being an over eater is so hard because we have to take the chance that we might be taking a bite of a food we are addicted to at any moment. Why not make that easier by eliminating the ones we already know we have issues with?

I am grateful SO GRATEFUL to have such a huge support system. However, in the end, it really is all on my own. Well on my own with my HP. THERE IS THE KEY. That is what I keep forgetting is even when I feel all alone in this there is the LOVE and STRENGTH of my HP to keep me going.

I need to start looking at this journey as a One Day at a Time journey instead of trying to start with the end result. Today I am doing what I can to be the best I can and to satisfy the will of my HP. That is always to give as much love and encouragement and gratitude into the world as I can. As well as taking care of this body my beautiful soul has had the wonderful opportunity to reside in. A healthy temple for me to live in for the time I am able to.

Thank you so much for taking this journey with me. I know I can do it now. Because this is my journey and it will be a day at a time... ALWAYS.

Have a beautiful week.

Love you all

Thursday, February 16, 2012

46/366 Check(in) List... and a great day.

Hey there folks.

Today is Thursday... and it was another good one. Ben Wermers has been making Thursdays great in my life since 2010 and I hope he keeps it coming.

I got to talk on the phone with my very wonderful amazing cousin Nicole (who is due any day to have her first baby!!!!) Ben and I did some errands and that was about it... and I worked.

I did notice today that I was feeling kind of fatigued and my joints were hurting a bit... and when I was talking to Nicole (who is basically primal-shes GF) I realized that there are some things I could be eating and allowing myself to eat that are causing that. (This is something I forget sometimes.) SO that gave me an idea... during the CrossFit 30 Day Paleo Challenge (that is so long) to do a Check(in) List...

Here is what it will look like:

On a scale of 1-10 rate the following for today only: (May even be like... today at 5 pm and today at 10 pm... IDK yet)

Fatigue(Like muscles tired):

Tiredness (Like head tired):

Soreness (Like muscles soreness):

Joint Pain (yep):

Stuffiness (upon waking up sinus):

Sleep (in Hrs):

Water intake (In oz):

Fish Oil:



Does that make sense? anything else you can think of?... i just really want to see what makes me feel different things and really I want to feel the best I can as much as I can.

:) Thanks for being a supporter in the healthy growth of me.


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

45/366 Simple fix and a need for 5 and 6

Hello all. I fixed the comment feature ... if you have struggled in the past to make comments on my blog-you shan't have that problem now! :D

Today was a good day-or it should have been. I worked a good 6.5 hrs...

I don't really know what it was but I was aggravated today.  I woke up feeling like I am doing less than I should... that I don't work hard enough and that I am not appreciative enough of the wondrous beautiful life that I have... That is how I felt today.

I felt angry and frustrated... and I felt like I was letting myself down.

I think I know where this came from (and now that you can comment feel free to let me know what you think)...  I think this all spawned from writing my defects of character out last night. I felt like I was truly embracing them... I was willing to accept them as things that I have done or have been but at the same time I am ready to heal and let go of them and I DON'T relate to them anymore... They are still a part of who I am and who I have been ... and... because they are defects and I don't want them anymore... it is easy for me to reject myself.

Are ya with me?

SO With that Step 5- "Admitted to HP, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." and Step 6- "Were entirely ready to have HP remove all these defects of character" ARE SO IMPORTANT!!! I KNOW that the only way I can get rid of these feelings is to do step 5 and 6... I feel like with step 5 and 6 I can be reborn a bit... you know what I mean? I feel like with step 6 my HP can truly give me freedom...

Does that make sense?


Anyway-I hope you had a beautiful day!


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

'Manda's Musings 2-My 3 Little Angels (all dressed in black)

First of all the title of this is inspired by a song we (Shannon *my cousin* and I) used to sing in Girl Scout Camp... it was awesome... and I chose black because-this is about interpreters... we wear black...

So this is a story about my 3 little angels (Or huge angels... really). Spending time with Katrina today (read in my post from today) reminded me a lot of my internship and what it meant to me... and about my 3 angels. I am grateful to have been an angel in Katrina's life during her time of need... this is my "thank you note" to my angels: Brenda French, Katie Peterson, and Greta Howe.

When I started my internship my primary goal was to get as much exposure to interpreting as possible. I needed 400 hours clocked... 300 interpreting time and 100 "other" which was observation and debriefing etc. My internship was not what I, or my professor, had expected it to be. We were promised one thing, and received another which was disappointing to both of us. I understand now, better than before, where she (my professor) was coming from and I regret not being able to see things from her perspective sooner. I hadn't had the experiences that I have had now to shape my understanding of her perspective then.

I must say, however, that this blog entry was not meant to be about that... so I will move past it.

My internship was not what we had expected it to be. to be honest I might not have even had enough hours to have considered it a successful internship (of having my hands up and interpreting). What I received instead was amazing gifts from three very special women. I got to grow as a person first and foremost-which resulted in me becoming a better interpreter.

The spring semester started with Brenda French. To fill you in, she and I had known each other years before when I took ASL from her co-worker Summer. A class which her (then future) husband Sam was also in. Brenda and I knew each other a bit but were not super close by any means at that time. I looked up to her so much and she was one of the people who inspired me to be an interpreter-as well as one of the people who continually told me that I was fit to be one.

Brenda and I met up for the first time for the internship at Dunn Bros Coffee in Rapid City. There was a beautiful and happy looking husky dog outside and Brenda greeted her with "Hey Suka! Tim must be here!" I kind of ignored it and we went in to greet a good friend of Brenda's by the name of Tim Rangitsch there was a quick exchange between Brenda and Tim about something involving primal and how she was doing and low carb bull crap. I felt SO out of the loop and so confused by all of it, to be honest I thought they were both insane, so I just politely said "Hello" to her friend and moved over to the coffee counter to order my Large sugar filled latte of something or other and a muffin (I will never forget that muffin... EVER!). Brenda and I first started by catching up, I noted that she looked GREAT (she had recently lost quite a deal of weight...) She then explained to me (very superficially) the primal diet. I couldn't imagine eggs without toast, I couldn't imagine coffee without a muffin... I couldn't believe that wheat and sugars were awful for me. I couldn't imagine dropping the pasta out of my diet...

Over the months she continued to teach me about the mysterious ways of Primal... sent me to Tim's shop to meet with him and borrow he Primal Blueprint from him and get to know more and more about it. You know the rest of the history with primal in my life... (I guess you could consider Tim another angel in my internship as well... just not a terp.)

Jump forward to April? when Katie Peterson came into the picture. She was a bit delayed due to the birth of her youngest child and her maternity leave. Katie and I clicked like we were meant to be friends. She still to this day is a person I consider an older sister. She is just so inspiring and wonderful and exhibits what it means to be a true Christian. Loving everyone equally, caring so much about this world and her family, and showing that love in everything she does. Being a nice and kind person is not, however, the gift I was given by Katie. Katie and her husband Eric had a hand in the Financial Peace University in their church. They taught it weekly. I was struggling so much with the divorce and all the financial ruin it brought upon me-not to mention the impending doom of my student loans that would soon be arriving in my mailbox to be paid. With other people's names on those loans I could not let them go unpaid... Katie had a way of soothing all of this by teaching me the ways of Dave Ramsey. Her success with the program made me realize that life was going to be okay. Not to mention I taught her about Primal and she took it on and now looks great as well! :) Katie will always be my sister from another mister. Someone who is always there when I need her and no matter how long we go without talking we pick right back up without skipping a beat!

My third angel came when I thought my internship was about to crash and burn. I was not getting enough hours at CSD and I needed something to make up for it. Brenda introduced me to Greta who was working in the school system in Rapid City. I spent every single day with her and it was a godsend because she was able to be there for me in an entirely new way. As you all know there is a lot of addiction in my family (including myself) I am not going to get very detailed because the word Anonymous was put there for a reason. Greta had some personal experience in the program as well and was able to be there when I needed her as a sponsor. She was there every day at lunch when I felt like I didn't know how to feel about things. She taught me that it is okay to admit when there is a problem and that the programs are there for a reason. If nothing-trust the program.

All three of these women are beautiful spirits. They exhibit what I believe to be true Christianity. I am not, myself, a Christian but I can spot one from a mile away. A true Christian will give the shirt off of their back without asking for anything in return and will love you no matter what. Even though they may not support what you are doing, they will not judge you for they know the ultimate judge is their God who guides them through life. A true Christian does not find a reason to bring their Christianity into every conversation-because you can see it pouring out of them at all times without them putting words on it. Whether the show up to church once or 4 times every week they go because of their relationship with God and Jesus. They go for themselves and their families and the betterment of the world. They do not go to show off or out of guilt or obligation. They don't look at tithe as a loss, but as a gift they WANT to give.

These women taught me so much in the 4 months I was able to spend with them. They taught me about myself, and what it means to be spiritually, emotionally and physically healthy. They taught me how to be proud of what I believe in. (Not that these things were necessarily missing from my life nor that these 3 were the only influential women... just that they happened to come at the right time and make a serious impact.)

I often say that my internship was an interesting and growth filled experience. I learned a lot about life, and living in those 400+ hours... and whether I interpreted "enough" or not was not important. From the beginning I knew I loved interpreting. Interpreting is my passion and I felt convicted in that from the get go. What I truly needed, and what was provided in those 4 months, was to see healthy women being interpreters. To see how they lived their lives simultaneously with loving their work. As well as to know that it is the most important to NEVER EVER EVER give up who you are for your career. These lessons helped me survive the next 16 months which were excruciatingly hard.

Thank you to my 3 beautiful angels. I am so grateful to have each of you in my life.

I love you so much!

PS-Let me know what else you would like to see on 'Manda's Musings! Maybe I will do another vote-cast soon!?

44/366 A simple day... worth living.

This will be a short post because there is one more pressing to post-Manda's Musings Issue 2: 3 little angels (All dressed in Black)--Give that a thought then why don't you!?!

I had a simple day.

My day started with a doctor's appointment. As most of you know I am not super supportive of the medical field (I think it has its place but is not as necessary as they would like to have us believe). The main reason I went was to renew my prescriptions (One for my virus and the other for birth control) but my preference for natural options had me asking questions about the option of the Paraguard (For those of you who don't know it is an IUD wrapped with copper wiring which is supposed to last 10 YEARS (edited), will result in full fertility after removal, can not result in death, is 100% natural and 99.4% effective against pregnancy.) I am well aware of the complications that can arise and several other things - I have done a LOT of studying and research. I know what I want. But when I brought it up to the doctors it was like I was asking for the opportunity to kill their kittens... it was tragic. I was constantly being pushed NOT to go with the Paragaurd and I am not sure why that is... Any thoughts?

After that I had the opportunity to meet up with a girlfriend of mine Katrina. She and I know each other through work. She was an intern last summer at... well we'll call it Hell... and she was a light in my life and my co-workers and I were able to make her internship less than terrible, and she was able to make the last few months bearable for us as well. It is her birthday so I felt especially special that she felt comfortable spending part (a long part) of it with me. We talked about a lot of things, especially spirituality and growth over the past year. It was really comforting and lead me to the next thing...

Today I completed step 4 in OA "Make a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves." The only reason I was able to do this was because of all the encouragement, help and support I have gotten from all of my loved ones. My conversation with Katrina made me feel stronger and closer to my HP... it was really a magical moment.

I am so grateful for today.

Then I had my OA meeting which was so personal and peaceful. There were only 3 of us there and we were able to really connect on a deeper level and offer guidance for each other than is usually possible with a big crowd following the by-the-letter rules. (You all know me too well... I am not a rule follower ;) )

I love you all so much. Thank you for being a part of this journey!


Monday, February 13, 2012

43/366 Um... HI?! Catching up, Valentine's Day, and A NEW CHALLENGE!

Hey Y'all folks!

Sorry it has been a while. The last few days of last week were just HORRIBLE. I worked 12 hour days both Thursday and Friday and could hardly stand to sit down and type ... So I didn't (time away from computers is healthy!)

Let's play some ketchup shall we? (Primal ketchup of course)

So... Um... Stuff and stuff happened.

I have pictures :D

Ben and I went on a Valentine's day date on the 11th because as everyone with a brain knows Valentine's Day is February 11th... I don't know what happened to make people think it was any different than that... sheesh!

We went to three movies: One for the Money (Based on a great series of books if you want a good laugh and not a lot of work to read--Super cute movie Ben loved it!), The Grey (with Liam Neson ... SO GOOD... really interesting perspective on death) and The Adventures of Tin Tin (which was also super cute and very well done--Ben apparently really loved TinTin when he was a boy... I knew not of it).

At the movies we treated ourselves to popcorn-which we both learned we are not as big of fans of as we used to be... It really is a dud of a food that popcorn crap. Doesn't do anything good for ya! We went to dinner at a restaurant I had been DREAMING about since the last time I went... it's called The Wilde Sage Grille... it was REALLY delicious last time I went with my mom and super fancy kinda. Well... It SUCKED. They had a "Special Valentine's Day Menu" which basically meant that everything was overpriced and under-served. EVERYTHING (this is not an exaggeration-you can ask Ben if you don't believe me) was served with potatoes, rice or pasta. EVERY SINGLE FREAKING THING. OH and it started at 11 bucks for a burger (with potatoes) to you know... 40 bucks for a steak. There MAY have been 18 items on the menu in total and none of them seemed very primal. SO (especially because potatoes are not a good food for us--OA--Trigger foods) We ordered a sandwich without the bun without the potatoes.

"can we sub those potatoes out for something else"

"Well it will be 3 dollars"

"Really? for anything... 3 dollars... even tho we are not eating the potatoes or the bread?"

"Yes Ma'am 3 dollars"

"Fine I will have a Caesar salad "

"OH that will be 4 dollars"

"OHHH so the Caesar salad is 4 dollars then? neat! OK then Regular (overpriced) salad for me please)"

It was 12 leaves of mixed lettuce with 2 rounds of red onion 2 slivers of carrot and 2 slices of radishes... I don't really complain often... but... REALLY!? ...

So that was dinner.

Otherwise things have been really super good. Very busy. The other day we had a "Play date" with another couple. A friend of mine from work and I discovered we both play the same games. We (and our significant others) are all homebodies and so for us to take the chance to get to know new people is a pretty big deal. SO we made a date (a month in advance) ... through the weeks we started talking about what time we should go over etc. Then I said "Should we maybe have lunch together?" And my friend was like "Totally!" and I said "Oh cool! Well Ben and I are kind of picky eaters so..." "Oh yeah we are kinda picky too..." "Oh cool! We're primal." "Um?" "Basically we eat plants and animals only... essentially" "Oh good cuz we basically only eat plants only" "Ahhhh..."

That's right pals, my new friends are vegetarians! :) It was a good challenge. Ben and I brought over Tomato Soup (made with veg stock instead of chick stock) and they had a tray of veggies with dip there... It worked MARVELOUSLY! They seemed just about as excited to have us there as we did. Her husband=huge gamer which is great for Ben and we all got along really really well! Prolly another date in the future I am guessing... which is a good reason to try and find a way to make a coconut flour pizza crust... ( I am certain I can do it!)

Pictures then the new challenge? OK!

 this was a meal I already blogged about... the brats and concoction meal... soo good!
 this was our meatzza crust before we baked it... it turned out really good-and kinda looked like a pool when it came out of the oven! LOL
 My side looks better than HIS side -yuck! (who really likes olives and mushrooms anyway?) ... there were lots of pepperonis on it! Fresh from the deli!
 my slice-this shit was good!
 At a different time we had grown up lunchables... that's right... look at that!? I seriously became aged 10 when this happened...
 One of my gifts from my sweetie! Look at that!!! :D (Scott Pilgrim reference if you didn't catch it)
 My Angel!!! :) Isn't she gorgeous!!! (he paints minis too...)
 My love letter--Pretty sure he only wrote me one because he wanted to make a wax seal <3
<3 I am so lucky and blessed. Love you too sweetie!

So on to the next part... THE CHALLENGE!!!

So ... you know how last week I got all down in the dumps because I was REALLY excited about maybe doing the CrossFit Games stuff and then it kinda got shot down and then I was all down in the dumps. I didn't throw it all out again (of course) but I was kinda blah... 

Well... there is a new challenge I have decided to try. It is only 10 dollars more than the last one I was planning to do so HEY NOT THAT BAD!

It is the CrossFit Sioux Falls 30 day Paleo Challenge... WHAT? Yeah... So I can totally do that right?

I am even gonna drop DAIRY for this MOFO! (I know right!?) Besides it might be good for me to test my reaction to a dairy-free diet... 

For those of you who didn't click the gist is this:
You pay 30 bucks. 
Get measured, photographed and do a baseline (500m Row, 40 Squats, 30 Sit Ups, 20 Push Ups, 10 Pull Ups) at the beginning.
Every day you start with 4 points. 

To Gain Points (1pt each/day) 
  • 8+hrs of sleep
  • 1oz/lb of body weight of water (for me that is roughly 230 oz of water/day... yeah!) 
  • Take fish oil (Please give me some recommendations-otherwise I will just buy the cheap ones at HyVee)
  • Work out at the box. (aka CrossFit) 
To Lose Points:

  • Lose 1 point if you have a cheat (the website lists brownies and breads as cheats... my goal is to never EVER lose a point!) 
  • Lose 3 points (one point for the day) if you do a totally non-paleo day... eat like a CW would.
At the end will be photographed, measured and baselined again. The top 3 contestants will win ... something... possibly money and prizes WHO KNOWS... you know what you will win!? SANITY, HEALTH, PRIDE, SELF-ESTEEM, and GRATITUDE! (and much much more)

So... OBVIOUSLY I am going to do it! It totally fits in the 366 days of primal... not to mention it gives me something to work for and challenge myself with without being all disappointed that I am not cut out for the CrossFit games! :)

Next post: Manda's Musings Week 2! :D

Take care all of you! <3 Much love and warmth to you all


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

38/366 sure did mess that one up didn't I?

Been in a kinda wonky mood for the last few days. Emotions like a roller-coaster... cravings like a roller-coaster... kinda feeling less-than.

I even kind of snapped at Ben-nothing makes me feel worse than that.

I realized, though, what it was. I think we loosened the leash a bit too much... we had a few too many flexible meals in a row. I do think we can *treat* ourselves once in a while without it becoming a need by any means... but we have to be very aware of it. This time we lost our awareness a bit... and here I am flying off the handle.

Yeah-Makes me feel lousy. Especially when I go back and read what I wrote... what was it? 3 days ago!? wow... I am human aren't I?!

I think the other thing is Shark Week coming 2 weeks early, and then having a flareup for the last week and a half ... really REALLY takes a lot out of me! I miss being with Ben as much as I can be and this makes me an attention whore-begging for attention wherever I can get it!...

This is where I am at.
Thanks for loving me anyway.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

37/366 better day-keeping a smile on.


I hope your day was good.

mine was.

Ben and I went and ran errands today because it is my day off from work and we got a lot done.

I didn't go to CrossFit today because my flare-up is hurting like a bitch. I am not even kidding. I don't really know what to do about it I tried dropping my meds for the first time this time and I am hoping that this just doesn't become a common thing, if it does then I will just have to swallow the pill (pun intended) and just take meds even though it is against my preferences. MEH!

In other news-we had chili for lunch at my future in-law's house and then we had some bratwursts and some amazing concoction on the side... (With some yummy herb mayo) the concoction was carrots, sweet potatoes, bacon, and onions... SO GOOD!!!

Hope you are all doing well. Sorry this is so short.


Monday, February 6, 2012

35 and 36/366 SuperBowl, Cake, Exhaustion, and Self Doubt

Hello there. I hope you were all smart enough to root for the Giants like I was. :D What a crappy game. The commercials were really good-and Madonna was an entirely awful disappointment... not to be a negative nancy or anything...

Not really feeling it today-Not exactly sure why. Maybe it is a lack of protein... or too many primal sweets in such a short period of time. Maybe it is the result of my weigh in LOL... (that was bad) ... I don't know. I am really tired-I am struggling with my *virus* again so I am really really tired... it takes a lot out of me and I am lucky I haven't gotten sick from it this time. *sigh*

So onto the whole self doubt thing... this is really strange especially after the letter I wrote to myself last night. I am feeling really good about our transformation so far and I know that it won't happen over night. I am really loving being back at CrossFit and this month is registration for CrossFit Games (especially Sectionals currently). I know I am just starting back up and I am worse than a beginner at this point... but I want to push myself so badly and people keep commenting on how it is for every level of crossfitter etc. Well then today I asked our box owner if I should compete because it seems like fun and a few of my CF Friends are doing it and have encouraged me to go. It seemed to me that the owner thinks that it is not the best idea for me to go... which I understand. I know I am not an allstar CFer yet... and I know that I would probably be a disappointment to CFSF team and bring their score down astronomically... but I was really excited about it. I was excited that people wanted me there, I was excited to challenge myself with something I would have never tried before... But... I can't decide what to do now.

 I should post pictures of cake... that would make everyone happier right?


This is the coconut cake from the make it paleo cook book. If you do not own this cook book-do yourself a favor and buy it!

 spreading the batter in the pan
 the baked cake-I would have eaten it without the frosting too!
 the simple and delicious frosting
There it is... we didn't eat it all don't worry. 

Ben's family and best friend (all CW) ate it and LOVED it... this will DEFINITELY be one of the options at our wedding! :D

I hope you all are having a better Monday than I am. Love you all 


Sunday, February 5, 2012

'Manda's Musings 1-A Letter to My Future Self

Welcome to the first edition of 'Manda's Musings. I would like to thank Deanna for her contribution to the title of these weekly writings, and Mims and Mac for being the only two people to vote on the first topic.

My hopes are that I will be able to write a short, or long, entry every Sunday with something other than just the daily grind. Something that aligns with my core values and the goals of this blog; which if you don't remember are physical, emotional, mental, financial, and spiritual health, as well as my passion for interpreting.

If you have anything you want me to write about, any thing you are interested in reading, please let me know. Some of these musings will be recorded in vlog form as well so consider that in your options. I really appreciate comments because they give me an idea of who is reading and what they enjoy about my blog.

Thank you and I hope you enjoy the very first (of many) 'Manda's Musings.


Dear 'Manda,

I hope you are enjoying things the way they are for now. As you know you are loved and as long as that is true things must be fine. :)

I wanted to just write you a quick letter to tell you how proud I am of your progress in your health goals. I know that sometimes life is hard and times are tough and it is easier to just give up on the challenges you have set for yourself. I really want to ask that you don't do that.

There is a booklet in your purse that reminds you of common reasons not to take that first bite that might lead to a binge-I am going to give you a bit more of a reason not to take that first bite...

When you are eating clean and moving frequently you have more energy than you know what to do with. You don't have to take mini-naps on your 10 minute breaks at work just to get a boost. You don't need caffeine just to keep your head off of the desk.

When you are eating clean and moving frequently you have a more positive outlook on life. Naturally you're a positive person and bring a lot of sunshine into people's lives, however, when you are treating yourself well you are able to maintain a positive outlook for so much longer and share that with others.

When you are eating clean and moving frequently you perform better at work. Not only are you not sleeping between calls, and able to share a genuine smile on every call, but you are physically more capable of doing your job-and that is a part of your Code of Professional Conduct. Your health and wellness are crucial to your job performance. With as much as you care about interpreting-you don't want to throw that out by taking this bite again, do you?

When you are eating clean and moving frequently you WANT to go to CrossFit. When you WANT to go to CrossFit you become stronger, healthier, happier, and more capable. You are a strong and beautiful woman inside and out at all times, but when you reflect it physically you are reminded of it mentally and more able to live your live with the values that mean so much to you.

'Manda, I am so happy with the way things are right now. I feel great and I know it is just going to keep getting greater. My hair, skin, sleep, body, everything looks and feels amazing. I know that whatever it is you are doing right now-considering eating something you shouldn't or considering quitting working out or considering dropping primal for a while-seems like it might be the right thing. I am writing this letter to tell you to try and stick it through. Keep working at it. You have a HUGE support system and they are there for you whenever you need.

Pop a piece of gum in your mouth and make a phone call. Trust me, you will be happier for it.

I love you. You are so loved, and such a blessing.


34/366, month in review... and... stuff

Sorry I didn't post this last night... I got home at about midnight from a very long day. We had a workshop from 730-430 and then my best friend Lisa (who was in town for the workshop), our friend Steph and their friend Erin and I all went to get coffee and then we went to dinner together at Chevy's.

It was an excellent day.

The workshop was unbelievable. My former professor from college did it and it was awesome! Another person from our board and I interpreted the whole thing which, with as much as I enjoy going to workshops, I LOVED. I really prefer to interpret than to sit and watch most of the time... besides it kept me awake :)

Our Board always provides the breakfast and mid-day snacks for the attendees of workshops... Breakfast was Muffins, mid day snacks was cookies... YEAH... I didn't partake. I brought my own brownies from home to munch on and BOY did they help.

I had a PF shake (almond milk) for breakfast, a Jimmy Johns Unwitch for lunch and a brownie for mid day snack. I did have a coffee with cream and a BIT of sugar at coffee, and Lisa and I shared nachos for dinner and then later each got a drink (mine was Baliey's and coffee--since we all know that can't get you drunk RIGHT MOM?!). It was one of my top 10 nights of my life-might have been top 5. I don't think I can share on here how wonderful it is so I am not going to try. But I just really... I really really needed it.

Now for the month in review. Ben and I talked about doing this because I was flipping through photos of last months food-creations and thought "Shit that was so good, I totally forgot about that" So I thought how cool for us each to say our favorite and least favorite meals?

We'll start with worsts:

Ben's was the almond balls (sunflower balls): "They just didn't have a whole lot of flavor and they got stuck to my mouth"

Manda's was the turkey burgers: "They were over salty and we didn't have any sauce to dip them in! Not to mention the bacon was AWFUL!"

Now for the Bests:

Ben's Best--The meatballs with our sauce: "The sauce was very flavorful and had a lot of my favorite things in it like onions and mushrooms and stuff. And the meatballs in general are just really good."

Manda's best--The meatballs with our sauce: "Even when I look at the pictures from the month I remember vividly how delicious this meal was. I can remember every single bite tasting just as good as the last one. The sauce was so flavorful and tasted good on just the veggies, but then adding the meatballs to the mix was like adding bacon to a party. It was just the right thing to do. Everything about this meal was the right thing. If there is a meal you are wanting to try-THIS SHOULD BE THE ONE!" (I can post the recipe for the sauce again... if anyone is interested...)

I think (especially since Ben and I chose the same favorite) that there should be a couple runners up...

So the top two after the Meatballs with brown sauce (in no particular order) were:

Thank you so much for reading. Please stay tuned for the very first edition of  'Manda's Musings (Shout out to Deanna for helping with the creation of this most perfect title!)

Love you all



Friday, February 3, 2012

33/366 Day 2 at CrossFit... Happy to be here.

Hello there readers. :)

I'm having a good day although I would be lying if I said I didn't totally hit my wall about 20 minutes ago... I hit it hard... Like I was sprinting right at it and BAM. Probably all the nights of less than normal sleep along with the KICK ASS workout I did today... (and it was kick ass-don't you worry)


(for others) Team work out: (this means you do it with another person) 150m ROW, 12 Kettlebell swings (35lbs), 12 Goblet squats(35 lbs)--All x14 (7 each)

(for me) same thing except  I did 6 kbs at 25 and 6 goblet squats 15 ... not bad eh? ... our time was 21:23! I loved it.

At the end a bunch of gals came up to me and were telling me how glad they were to see me back at CFSF... that really made me feel good. :)

Food today was simple... left over chicken from last week with the sauce we made last night, and a left over brownie... I also gave some brownies to R from work... for her to take to her husband and have for herself. She seems to really be loving primal :D

So quick-like... I am going to do my major posts on Sundays most likely--or Tuesdays... these are my days off most weeks. We shall see. I already have a decent list of interesting topics I would like to write about... the first one is A Letter to My Future Self. :) (thanks to the 2 people who voted)

That is about it for tonight. Sorry I am so short sometimes-thank you for reading anyway!

32/366... Gyros, Brownies, and VOTE!

Soooooo I would comment on how boring today was but it was not boring at all so I wont make that comment... :)

I hope you all had a beautiful groundhogs day! It was in the 50s here in South Dakota and I am stoked on that note... THANK GOD FOR GOOD WEATHER! woo!

So I had a long day at work today-didn't get GREAT sleep last night but I still was doing ok at work. I have to say that this being paleo/primal thing REALLY does a number on my energy level and by that I mean IT INCREASES IT DRASTICALLY!!! :) Even though I am sore... Like scary sore... I still feel GREAT... heck my period started early and I still feel great... can't complain! :D

Tomorrow is going to be Day 2 of CrossFit. Much like Abstinence (or sobriety if that is easier for you to relate to) I think CrossFit holds a lot of the same values of a 12 step program... (contents of this paragraph removed for future use) Stay tuned for a really kick ass post about that... :)

What else? today was just a good day. Overall. I just had a really good day.

Wanna hear about food? OKAY!

Breakfast-Primal Fuel (i was hungry with no time) chocolate made with almond milk
Lunch/Dinner-Gyros... what? yeah... from THIS WEBSITE! (thanks Mims for the linkage)
Dessert?- (Yeah... we had all the ingredients I couldn't resist!!!) Paleo Brownies!!!(Mims thanks for that link too)

Wanna see pics of the foodage?... I know you do :) (you all use me for my foodporn... I know... 'sok ... I can handle it)

Lemon juice and seasonings for the meat for the Gyros... it was VERY spicy! BUT SO GOOD!
This is the meat-getting spiced... Ben is such a good photographer... <3
the meat-getting yummy... it was a bit lemony for my taste but being primal I am very apt at picking out flavors and this time Lemon stuck out...
Omg is that a pile of caramelized meat? YES PLEASE!
We keep it simple... We like more meat than toppings. ANOTHER SAUCE I LOVE! YUM! I think I will make a million different mayos... until you either kill me or make me stop... 
This is my plate... I only ate 2 pieces of the meat... my eyes were bigger than my tum (the fact that I know how to stop is an awesome sign of my recovery!) SO GOOD tho! (its in the fridge for leftovers)
This is the first time we used our coconut cream... SO GOOD!
 Ben was being Mr. Photographer! :D
I used our immersion blender whisk tool for the mixing-(we don't have a mixer... and apparently we don't need one!) Thanks Mims! (again)
One thing I must say to those making this... don't use frozen blueberries (or at least defrost them first) ... frozen turns the coconut creme back into a solid... which in turn makes the nice soft batter a pain in the BUTT to pour into this pan... (I used my fingers and mashed it... they were clean SHEESH!)
Drizzle some coconut cream concentrate over the top and VOILA!!! I can't believe how good these turned out! So pretty! And easy! and pretty damned healthy... great fat levels... cocoa... yum!
my piece... I didn't share. :) 

Thank you all for reading... 

NOW PLEASE VOTE!!! Which would you like to see Sunday? 

1. Letter to my Future self (in the lead 2-0) 
2. My Why statement. 

Have a bright and beautiful Friday! <3 So much love to all of you!


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

31/366 - Back in Black

Today was not much special. I had a hard time sleeping last night. It took a lot to get to sleep then when I finally was asleep... BAM I woke up again (at like 4) . I was sore... (Nothing like last week sore) however sore in the thighs, butt, abs, back, shoulders and forearms... FUN! esp with a nearly 12 hr day today and a 12 hr (with a break) tomorrow as well... Oh well. Worth it. Then I couldnt get back to sleep until well after 630. I got some decent sleep from then til about 930 so all in all I probably got like 6 goodish hours of sleep last night. I am doing ok today though-thanks for asking.

Food was simple today. Sausage and eggs for breakfast, apple for lunch with a slice of cheese, a few more sausage links for dinner... see? simple.

I am grateful to be back at CrossFit. I am really feeling driven this time. I can't wait to see what I look like when I get to where I want to be and also I am just glad to be back to a healthy way of living. I forget so easily what it feels like. I can't believe I give it up to taste some of that crap...

Speaking of which I am working on 2 non-daily blog posts and I want you (my readers) to vote on which I post first.

1. Why I am doing this. My why statement. Whatever you wanna call it... the WHY to the WHAT that I am doing here.

2. Dear Future Me. A letter to myself to remind me not to fall off the wagon again. What healthy me would say to the unhealthy me who makes all those bad decisions.

Which would you like to read?

Love you all,