February has been quite a challenge for me.
I feel like it is kind of a double edged sword... like I know the truth to a healthy life but sometimes ignorance was bliss... it was so easy sometimes to live the life of a Conventional American...
I am not a CW American anymore though, which means now I must either USE the knowledge I have or CHOOSE not to... that's even worse isn't it? That is where I have been in February.
In January Ben and I did an excellent job of being awesome... we ate so clean and just kept on going and supporting each other and we were doing so well. Then 3 weekends in a row we had things going on and friends in town and it was Valentines day and etc etc etc and it turned into a bit of a free-for-all. We didn't go outside of the 80/20 parameters but we did kind of indulge and we kept indulging (odd huh, since we are OE's... hmm).
So lately I have really been struggling with everything. With feeling capable of doing this... I look at pictures on TEAM GORILLA and think to myself... there is no way. There is NO way I will be able to do that. When could I possibly look the way those women look? I am obese by medical and any other account... Heck according to my Wii I am MORBIDLY obese (yeah that's a really fun thing to think about)...
I know what I want. I know how to get it. So why is it I am so unwilling to make the changes in my life to get there? Here is the answers that have come to me in the last few days as I was reflecting on it:
1. I am scared--What I have now is easy.... it is easy to just be comfortable... It might not be as comfortable as it could be if I were in better shape... It might not be the best option health wise. I can tell you what it is. It is EASY. I am scared to have to do something that is hard... something that takes work and a LOT of dedication not to mention a LIFE TIME to keep up. That is outright scary.
2. I keep taking a look at the big picture and I get overwhelmed.--This is the opposite of the one day at a time philosophy. I am trying to see the end results before I get there mostly because the way I live my life is through visualization and manifestation. I think that with this the best bet is not to visualize the end result because I don't know what it will even look like and I am not sure when my body will be comfortable to stop.
3. I don't want to let go. - HELLO STEP 6 HOW ARE YOU TODAY? I don't want to let go of my addiction to the foods I am addicted to. I don't want to let go of the comfort blanket that is the foods I have been eating since I was a child. I don't want to say "I will never eat ____ again... woah!" that is really hard to do. But look at it-I haven't had ice cream in over 130 days... that is something I never thought would happen. How did it happen? A day at a time.
I want so badly for me to be at the point where it is all a habit. Where I am habitually working on my health and I don't have any cravings for crap anymore... where it takes slightly less willpower to walk past something that seems appetizing. Being an over eater is so hard because we have to take the chance that we might be taking a bite of a food we are addicted to at any moment. Why not make that easier by eliminating the ones we already know we have issues with?
I am grateful SO GRATEFUL to have such a huge support system. However, in the end, it really is all on my own. Well on my own with my HP. THERE IS THE KEY. That is what I keep forgetting is even when I feel all alone in this there is the LOVE and STRENGTH of my HP to keep me going.
I need to start looking at this journey as a One Day at a Time journey instead of trying to start with the end result. Today I am doing what I can to be the best I can and to satisfy the will of my HP. That is always to give as much love and encouragement and gratitude into the world as I can. As well as taking care of this body my beautiful soul has had the wonderful opportunity to reside in. A healthy temple for me to live in for the time I am able to.
Thank you so much for taking this journey with me. I know I can do it now. Because this is my journey and it will be a day at a time... ALWAYS.
Have a beautiful week.
Love you all