So the Challenge started on Tuesday. Since then I have been hit with a (TMI) UTI, outbreak of my Autoimmune Disorder and a cold... that happened in one day. I am not sure which weakened my immunities first but it is obvious that something was up with my body, and this was its way of telling me. I am going to go with that it really just wants me to be healthy again... and we'll go from there.
First off I want to give you an idea of how things are going. In order to do that I will mention where I have been. Many of you know that I have had an on-again off-again relationship with the paleo lifestyle. It isn't for a lack of will, desire, or knowledge... it really comes from my emotional dependence on food. I have been very clear about my addiction to food and the satisfaction that it seemingly brings me, but learning more and more every year about how incredibly important it is to bring my mind and heart back to the basics. My body wants the foods it wants out of necessity, unfortunately it was introduced to the wrong version of satiation. Now, I am showing it how incredibly strong and satiated it can be under the correct food systems. Not processed over sugared foods.
Anyway, this isn't about what I am giving up. I don't like focusing on the negative... this is about what I am gaining. I reiterate that I am doing this to prove to myself how well I can do. I am doing this to heal my body and spirit and mind. I am doing this to reward my body and mind for all the hard work it has done for me. I am doing this to regain strength over my own decisions. There are so many reasons I am choosing to do this. To lose weight, is not one of them. To inspire confidence in myself and others, definitely is.
So now that I am eating clean the only thing that haunts me are my dreams. Partially because I worry about being DQ'd from the challenge, that would be really disappointing. But mostly because I would be really devastated if I gave up on myself again. When I first quit eating Ice Cream (because of my addiction) I would have breakdowns and horrifying dreams of just eating gobs of it. Every Ice Cream commercial had the power to knock me to my knees. To this day (2.5 years later almost to the day) if I am having a bad day and drive by an ice cream shoppe I struggle with my desire to abstain.
Since starting the challenge I have not had cravings, but there have been dreams. Usually it is Ben disappointing me by giving up and I feel like I must follow with him (he wouldn't do this, of course, but my dreams know my weaknesses.) In one he ate Doritos and soda and was saying how if no one knew the wiser it didn't matter. It all lead up to me having pop and ice cream in my dream last night. Granted, I am sick, so it might just be my body because I am ill. But really, the dreams are real. If you have them too, you are validated by this. But don't worry you are making the right decisions for your body and mind.
Thanks for reading,
Much love
Manda
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