Who I am is based on all of the amazing things I have chosen to do with my life.
I have taken on so many mountains and conquered so many battles that sometimes I forget what it took to get me here. It took patience and perseverance, love and attention, drive and motivation, and most importantly it took me. I am the key in all of it. I use my positive attitude and my big heart to get myself to the end line and that is what sets me apart.
If I give up on who I am at any point-then I am not going to get what I need from life. If I lose sight of where I have been and don’t stay true to me then the future I have created for myself will dissolve. This is something I have already experienced with the time I spent with my ex-husband. I don’t blame him for all of the bad things in that relationship-I think we both went in it expecting different results I was just the one who decided I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t pretend to be someone I am not.
One of the main light-bulbs that went on (when my sub-conscious was preparing me for the changes that were going to take place) was when I realized my future was nothing like I had planned. Now, when you are married, your future changes. It has someone else in it and so their dreams come in to play too. It can almost be fun trying to fit together the futures of two people when starting a marriage. The problem was we didn’t do that. Our future became something dark and shadowed, something sad and pitiful, something neither of us wanted. That was when the bright, positive flame that formerly was me lit up inside and decided she wasn’t ready to be put out yet.
Today I had a miniature version of this happen again. When it comes to relationships, I don’t think I or anyone else has to worry that I will give up who I am for someone else. I understand the meaning of compromise and I am more than willing to put it to use-for the right person, but you better believe I will not sacrifice myself for someone who is not worth it (more on this later).
I think my biggest weakness now is not love (everyone’s weakness is love-if you don’t think you are weak to love you are completely naive or in denial or both). My weakness is my passion-interpreting. I am not a workaholic, I will not sacrifice myself for my career... or will I? Let’s go back to the beginning shall we… what it has taken for me to get where I am: Patience, perseverance, love, attention, drive, motivation, positivity, and a big heart. This week I gave up a few of those things because I was feeling pressured. Of COURSE I want the results from my NIC test, I have already told you how incredibly important this test is to me and my future. But I let the need for the pay raise, the need for validation, and the need to please others out weigh the things that are most important to me. Deep down in my soul I know I am a great interpreter. I am a pioneer in my field, one day I will inspire others to interpret and to find what is most important to them and work as hard as they can for it but never give up on who they are. That is the key; I can never give up on who I am.
So to close this part of this entry:
I would like to thank you for all of your positive vibes and prayers and whatever you are putting into this. Having a little piece of all of you working toward this common goal is remarkable and, to be honest, it has humbled me to know just how many people my heart has touched and how many hearts touch mine daily. Thank you all for that. However, I am willing to wait-I hope you are too. I was told at the beginning of all of this that the NIC results CAN TAKE up to 180 days. 21 weeks. I am 1/3 of the way there, and I promise that as soon as I know, you will all be informed but until that day, our positive vibes shan't cease and we shall patiently wait, heart to heart across the globe. Thank you all for your love and support on this one. I can’t express my gratitude quite enough.
The second portion of this entry is to clear up something else:
From before: “I understand the meaning of compromise and I am more than willing to put it to use-for the right person, but you better believe I will not sacrifice myself for someone who is not worth it (more on this later).”
The time is now:
I am single. I have dated a couple of guys since being single. I started considering myself single around mid-June of 2010. Before that my heart wasn’t willing to love again, and I knew I needed the time to heal from my marriage and to solidify who I really am before bringing someone new into the mix. All of the “relationships” I have had since then have been short lived for one reason only-I will not settle for less than I deserve and if I witness a red flag or 2 in the first week it is not worth considering. (This is my opinion, you can choose to disagree-that is your right)
The first person I dated was for a day-ish? He and I have been friends for a long time, he thought there might be something there, and I thought there might be something there. I quickly realized there wasn’t and to spare further heartbreak ended it within 24hours. (Sometimes it takes reality to set in before I can make the decision) I hurt his feelings, he still cares for me-and I still love him-he is one of my best friends no matter how unbearably annoying he can be, we are friends! He was a GREAT person to trust and I am glad I did. I still trust him with my life.
The second person I dated was for a bit longer than that. We met through a mutual friend and hit it off like two peas in a pod. We talked for hours quite easily and it was swell. We dated for over a week and then a few things happened and I realized it wasn’t going to work. A lot of the qualities I felt he was missing were also qualities that were missing with guy number one. Unfortunately, they both fit the “GREAT FRIEND-no way in hell relationship” category. This guy has since moved. We are still friends-despite people thinking we shouldn’t be. There are things that happened that suck, and there are things that happened that rock! I care very dearly for this person and I wish them the best in their future, but it doesn’t include me in any way other than friendship.
Guy number three had me twitter pated, as many of you know. He was apparently everything I wanted and more. Or everything I thought I wanted. Luckily I can spot an alcoholic from a mile away, and when someone says rude things when they are drunk my forgiveness is short lived. Even though he was remarkable, he was done. One week. He was a bad kisser too. We are not friends. He chose to not be my friend afterwards. I think that is probably a good choice.
I am going to have boyfriends. I am going to date. The next guy I meet may but probably won’t be the next guy I marry. This is the way it works people. I have a feeling that our generation is too keen on not being single. We don’t want to be alone therefore we cling to any semblance of a relationship, any glimmer of hope that exists between us and another human being and are willing to ignore the rest. I am not willing to ignore the rest. I made a list (I know some of you won’t agree with this concept) of all of the things I need in my mate. Nothing on the list is physical, it is all mental emotional and spiritual qualities that I need from my partner. When I meet a guy they go up against the list. In order to even be considered to progress in a relationship they MUST pass with at least an 85% (B). Guy one and two have a 62% (GREAT friendship material), guy three has a 58%... I promise I will not sacrifice who I am for someone who is not healthy: spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically-not to mention financially…
Don’t hold it against me if I get all excited about a guy and then the next week he is curbside. That is the way this works. I know it is hard to remember when you were where I am. Or maybe you didn’t ever do it this way. This is the way I have to do it.
NOW… That is all I have for today J if you read this entire thing, I am incredibly impressed! I know it was very long.
Thank you for loving me for who I am. I love you for who you are as well. I will never lie to you, I will never be someone I am not, and I hope you treat me with the same respect. Thank you all.
Much love and gratitude,
‘Manda
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